Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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