Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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