If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
