It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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