OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
