May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
