i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
