My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
