it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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