her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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