Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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