i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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