I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
