I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My legs feel like baby dolphins
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
