He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize