The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
