I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
