I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
