It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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