pop tarts are not kleenex
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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