I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
