dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
