Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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