I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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