My liver just broke up with me...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
