a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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