I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
