is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
