shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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