Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
