I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
