There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
