Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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