why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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