News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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