Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
