great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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