if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
