we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
