I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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