i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
