Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize