And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
