just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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