I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
