Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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