I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
