i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
