i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
