every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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