You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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