is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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