Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Where is the hickey?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
