Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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