i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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