Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
