Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
