I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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