I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
God, I missed his penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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